The Hard Truth -- rewrite

This may give you a kick. It's a rewrite making the same basic piece (see Parts one and two) more interesting to the reader (I hope). This is what I've been learning to do, gradually, for years, as a fledgling memoir writer. Let me know what you think.

"What the eff is wrong with you? Are you effing nuts? Why can't you do this?" Everyone in the office could hear me. I was screaming at my staff member Carl. It didn't matter that he had refused to do the task I assigned, because he said he had too much work already. My blowup was totally inappropriate, and when I was later disciplined and lost my management position, I knew I deserved it. It wasn't the first time I had screamed at my staff. It was 2008.

I had been doing this for years, and it's a testimony to my excellent staff that they took it in stride, knowing that I really didn't mean it. I was of course being a perfectionist each time, or micromanaging. I thought I had control, and when I didn't, I lost it. I crossed a tipping point that day with Carl, and let it out. It happened at least two or three times a year with the same or different people.

Oh, later or the next day I'd take them aside and say "I'm so sorry. I don't know what got into me. You're doing fine, you know it's just how I am. I won't let it happen again." But it did. I needed a wake-up call and got one.

I got a notice to report one morning to a counselor at the State's Employee Advisory Service. Carl, rightfully, had filed a complaint with management. I was surprised, but resigned to change. She was very nice. I met her in her office on the first floor of the Training Center on Woolverton Ave. in Trenton, just 6 blocks from where I worked. I had been there often, albeit on the second and third floors, for IT or management training. Obviously my previous Core Leadership training had been totally forgotten.

"So what's going on? Why did this happen? You know why you're here don't you?"

"Yes," I said demurely. Thinking Am I going to get fired? Will this hurt my pension -- my unblemished record?

"We have to talk about anger management," she said, and we did, for half an hour. I felt contrite. I was at a loss for words. I vowed, "I won't let this happen again."

"Good, because if it does there would be serious consequences you know."

"I know -- I promise," and kept that promise -- at work.

We had two more follow-up sessions. I knew I had to change.

Unfortunately, it did not work all the time with my poor wife Janet who was hurt regularly with my outbursts. I apologize to her later as well. It's not fun together until she gets over it in a few days. But, I always recognize what I've done and am extra solicitous afterwards - it helps me and her. My screaming outbursts have gotten rarer at home.

I kept my job with the State, but not my management position over the Statewide Contract Consolidation Unit. I was still Energy Office manager though. Now I had one staff person instead of four.

I could blame all this on my condition -- bipolar -- but I don't. It lies squarely with me, Rodney -- not my sometimes psychotic personality. Very fortunately, I'm very blessed to be with Janet, even after 42 years. We should all be so blessed. But really, it's about control. As long as I hold to the Truth that I have none over life or others, I'm half-way decent.

By the way, Tipping Point is an excellent book by Malcolm Gladwell.